Following Jesus When You Suffer4:
WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?
Job 6:11-30
Someone has coined an interesting new word and I thought I’d share it with you; I think it was first used on a situation comedy on television, though I’m not sure; but now it’s become something of a buzzword in our culture. It first occurred in the Webster’s Dictionary in 2009. It’s the term frienemies. A frienemy is a combination friend-enemy. You can’t tell if this person is your friend or your enemy. This is the kind of character who at least pretends to be your friend, but very often he or she causes more trouble than they’re worth.
The frenemy is full of ambivalence. They admire and seek to be close to their 'friend', whilst simultaneously being consumed with the jealousy or animosity of an enemy. You know you have a frenemy if your stomach knots as they walk into the room. You know you are a frenemy if a red mist falls across your vision when you see your 'friend' approaching. The classic frenemy quote is Gore Vidal's 'whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies' - though he recently said he only meant the comment as a joke: that it is taken as an accurate observation underlines its truth.
Well, Job had 3 friends who came to see him when tragedy struck him and they became “frenemies”. Frenemies sounds like that old proverb, “With friends like this, who needs enemies?”
An article by Cassandra James with that title identifies 4 such “friends”.
1. THE BACKSTABBER who will talk about people behind their backs and not in a nice way! It always makes me wonder what they are saying about me while I’m not around.
2. THE WHINER complains about everything. Nothing is ever right in their life. Their job is awful. Their spouse is terrible. Their parents are the reason why everything has gone wrong in their life. Their boss is a loser and on and on it goes. Someone said, “You don’t mind your friends having problems as long as they occasionally get new ones.” – a statement that I don’t think goes along with true friendship by the way.
3. THE JEALOUS JANEY always wants what everyone else has and makes them feel bad about it. They are the ones who when you get a great job, they will find something to tell you why it isn’t so great. They make you feel worse so they can feel better about what is going on in your life.
4. LITTLE MISS OR MISTER NEEDY are always in a crisis and the only time you hear from them is when they need something.
At this point in the book of Job, Job enters a new phase which is the most trying of all. Instead of helping the words of his wife and friends cause more pain and put him under more pressure. His attitude is the same – it is equally right for God to give gifts and take them. It is equally right for God to send good or evil.
Last week, we learned some things Job’s friends did that were good and helpful that we can learn from to help our friends.
1. Be there for them.
2. Share compassion.
3. Listen more than you talk.
4. Attend to their physical needs.
5. Pray with them.
Unfortunately, most of the book of Job – from chapter 4 to chapter 37 – we find lectures, arguments, “trash-talking” and insults given from Job’s 3 friends to Job and back again. There are many things Job’s friends say that is right, but not in the right context and they are sometimes “half-truths”. At the end of the book, the Lord tells them, (Job 42:7) After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.
Job’s 3 friends can’t comfort Job because
1. They don’t understand God.
2. They don’t understand Job.
3. They don’t understand themselves.
I’m not going to try to cover chapters 4-37 extensively. I am going to try to summarize those passages by looking at where it went wrong for these friends. What did they do wrong that we can avoid doing?
Let me introduce you to these 3 friends of Job.
1. ELIPHAZ THE TEMANITE –Eliphaz the Eloquent. He was probably the oldest since he spoke first. He appeals to experience as his authority. He says that he knows what Job should do because he had a dream and a vision.
2. BILDAD THE SHUHITE – Bildad the Brutal. He’s the answer man. “Just do 1, 2, 3 and you’ll be alright.” He emphasized tradition and the authority of antiquity. “Job, you should do this and that because that is what we have always done.
3. ZOPHAR THE NAAMATHITE – Zophar the Zealous. He’s the biggest bully. He appeals to HIS wisdom for authority. “Job, this is the way it is because I say this is the way it is. Don’t ask questions! Just do what I say!”
These 3 friends speak and Job answers them in 3 cycles and each time the conversations become harsher and nastier.
Eliphaz: “You have sinned.” (4:17)
Job: “You are no help.” (6:21)
Bildad: “You are full of hot air.” (8:2)
Job: “God is my adversary.” (10:16)
Zophar: “You mock God!” (11:3)
Job: “You mock me.” (12:4)
Eliphaz: “You are a fool.” (15:2)
Job: “You are miserable comforters” (16:2)
Bildad: “You shut up!” (18:2)
Job: “You crush me.” (19:2)
Zophar: “You insult us.” (20:3)
Job: “Would you listen just once?” (21:2)
Eliphaz: “You are wicked.” (22:2-3)
Job: “I will trust God.” (23:10)
Bildad: “You are a maggot.” (25:6)
Job: “You’re a big help! (26:2)
That ends the conversation.
How did it go so wrong? How is it that 3 friends who went to such time and trouble to come to their friend when he was hurting ended up hurting him so much? What is it that we are NOT to do and say that will end up hurting and harming a friend in need rather than helping them?
Body
I. DON’T MAKE FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHY THEY ARE HURTING.
4:1-6 Eliphaz starts out diplomatically. He commends before he condemns, and yet he is a pompous windbag with a cold heart. He starts out saying that Job had helped a lot of people with good counsel. Yet, he is basically telling Job to practice what he preached…not bad advice but not well-timed.
Job discovered what many of us discover. No matter how well we are able to give advice to others or encourage them, it is different when we go through trials ourselves. Eliphaz is doing what we do when we tell people, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Job needed compassion. Job sat there, stripped of everything, his heart torn and exposed…his words desperate…his eyes wild and probing and pleading for comfort, yet he gets none. To add a burden of guilt about being a bad example to what Job is going through is not what Job needed. What he needed was compassion. It would have been far better to hear, “My friend, you have been through a rough time.”
“Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.” (Prov. 25:20 Living Translation)
All three friends sing one song and they sing it over and over. Eliphaz and the others become the forerunner of others who stumble into this error. He played God in Job’s life.
4:7-8 Eliphaz took the very deep and complex issue of human suffering and reduced it to a neat little package: “You’re suffering because you have sinned.”
In one sense, he is right. We do live in a moral universe. The general teaching is that we reap what we sow. But in another sense, he was wrong. Eliphaz wrongly concluded that ALL suffering in our lives is a result of our sin. He tried to squeeze Job into his box by accusing him of being a secret sinner in his private life.
(Job 22:5-6) Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless? You demanded security from your brothers for no reason; you stripped men of their clothing, leaving them naked.
(Job 22:9-11) And you sent widows away empty-handed and broke the strength of the fatherless. That is why snares are all around you, why sudden peril terrifies you, why it is so dark you cannot see, and why a flood of water covers you.
There is no evidence that Job did any of those things! In fact, in Chapter 1 and 2, God says Job was a man who was blameless and upright, and a man who shunned evil. When you are trying to help a friend who is hurting, be careful you don’t make the same mistake. Don’t make false assumptions about why they are hurting.
False assumptions can get you in trouble. I heard about a carpet layer who was replacing some old carpet in a customer’s den. When he finished tacking down the new carpet he reached for cigarettes he kept in his shirt pocket, and they weren’t there. About that time, he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet about the size of a pack of cigarettes. He didn’t want to go to the trouble of taking up the entire carpet, so after looking around to see he was alone, he took his hammer and beat the object flat to hide any evidence of his mistake.
When he got to his truck, he found his pack of cigarettes on the seat. He picked them up and wondered what was on the floor that he had beat down when the homeowner ran out and said, “Hey, have you seen my television remote control? I’m sure I left it somewhere in the den.” It’s a dangerous thing to make false assumptions!
False assumptions lead to false conclusions, which lead to wrong actions. Job’s friends assumed only bad people suffer. So since Job was suffering, they concluded he was hiding some deep, dark sin. So instead of helping him, their words only added to his misery.
We often feel something needs to be said. We think some explanation needs to be given to alleviate their suffering. But we need to refrain from attempting to explain the inexplicable.
When we try to provide answers that only God Himself can give, we are playing God.
There is an old hymn with the words, “If we could see beyond today as God can see.” But we can’t. So, spur-of-the-moment, easy answers to sort out the confusion of those who are suffering only add to the wounds of the wounded. Guard against crossing the line to the point of playing God. Don’t make false assumptions about why they are suffering. Comfort the wounded. Don’t shoot them!
Only God knows the reason for someone’s suffering. He’s the only One who knows His complete purpose and plan. Wouldn’t it be wiser to just let God be God? Don’t act like you know the mind of God about the reasons for someone else’s suffering. Don’t play God. Don’t make false assumptions about why they are suffering.
In 5:8, Eliphaz plays that terrible game, “If I were you…” We do that too often. Instead of approaching a person in humility and with a teachable spirit so that we are willing to take the time to listen, we spout out trite answers.
“If I were you, I wouldn’t try to have any more children; God evidently doesn’t want you to have any.”
“If I were you, I would be thankful it was my baby who died, and not my husband.”
“If I were you, I would march right in there and tell them off!”
“If I had children…if my son didn’t want to work…if I had your job…”
I love Job’s answer in chapter 6 where he says that if they were where Job was, they would understand.
II. DON’T MAKE FALSE ASSERTIONS ABOUT GOD’S WILL.
Eliphaz and the others told the simple truth that the innocent do not suffer. How did he know that? He described a vision he had in the night which proved why Job was suffering…the reason was Job was guilty of sin. 4:12-17
We need to be very careful not to make ourselves God’s mouthpieces to other people. God is very capable of telling me directly. And God is very capable of telling you directly, especially if you are a Christian because you have the Spirit of God in you!
Any time you have a natural disaster you have some preacher saying it is because of the sin in that area. After Hurricane Katrina one church put on its sign, “The Big Easy is the Modern Sodom and Gomorrah.” That’s the same thing the Al-Qaeda terrorist web sites proclaimed. You may recall that after 9/11 Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell said the terrorist attacks were God’s punishment on America. They later retracted that statement. Could it have been? Maybe but I don’t know and I want to be careful about putting words or motives in God’s mouth or actions.
It sounds too much like that church in Kansas who sends people to military funerals saying the deaths of soldiers are God’s judgment on America for tolerating homosexuality.
You are on dangerous ground whenever you make sweeping statements about what is and what isn’t God’s will. If the Bible says something is God’s will, then believe it. Anything beyond that is speculation and conjecture. Eliphaz begins with condemnation. He continues by misapplying his own experience to Job, and then told Job to go appeal to God. Then he assured Job that God will intervene and Job will get better. Bildad thought he had God’s will for Job’s life figured out. Look at Job 8:3-6.
Bildad claimed to be speaking for God. He told Job the reason his children died was because they were sinners, and if Job repented maybe God would restore him. Be careful when anyone starts trying to tell you what God’s will is for your life.
Remember that wonderful little tract produced by Campus Crusade called, “The Four Spiritual Laws?” One guy said he was witnessing on the beach and asked a guy, “Have you heard of the Four Spiritual Laws?” The man said, “No. What songs do they sing?”
Perhaps you have heard of the 4 spiritual laws, but Chuck Swindoll speaks of the Four Spiritual Flaws. These are 4 faulty beliefs some people have.
1. IF YOU’RE A CHRISTIAN, YOU’LL NEVER SUFFER. The Bible promises that you will suffer if you are a follower of Jesus.
2. EVERY PROBLEM YOU HAVE IS ANSWERED IN THE BIBLE. Many problems are, but if your computer crashes, don’t look in your Bible. Call tech support!
3. IF YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEMS, YOU ARE UNSPIRITUAL. That’s what Job’s friends thought about him.
4. GOD ADMINISTERS JUSTICE IMMEDIATELY. It is true that God’s perfect justice will one day be administered against the wicked. But God doesn’t always punish in this life. (1Ti 5:24) The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them.
Don’t swallow these 4 spiritual flaws. If you’re trying to help a friend who is hurting, avoid these big mistakes.
We have to be careful about reducing faith to formulas. The trouble is that suffering is not tidy and mathematical…neither is grace. All these 3 friends use clichés we’ve all heard of. “God is using the suffering to make you a better person.” This may be true or not, depending on whether the person draws closer to God or walks away from God in response to the suffering.
“God will fix your problem if you have more faith.” May be true or not. In Job’s situation, God didn’t fix Job’s situation because Job had great faith to endure. Sure God can heal and restore. In Job’s case, God didn’t heal and restore Job until chapter 42. But God is not obligated to heal or restore to Job his losses. God doesn’t always heal or make things better.
Instead of putting words in God’s mouth, we need to have the courage to face the unknown outcome along with the person who is suffering and hurting. Job didn’t understand, but he knew God knew and he grew to the point where that was enough. If good things happen to the wicked in this world (and they do), then there is reason to believe that bad things are going to happen to the righteous.
And all these good and bad things are going to be doled out without any apparent pattern or reason. Job’s friends think they see a pattern, but they are just fooling themselves. You have to live with the hard reality of delay or unexplained situations.
One preschool teacher tried to teach preschoolers the name of each day of the week. Each morning she asked them what day it was. The children would guess the day. On the 4th day of the week, she asked the usual question and after several children guessed wrong, she told them, “It’s Thursday! Thursday!” After a moment of silence, one child said in frustration, “Miss Dana, you change the answer every day!”
What Job says it simply this: “Life often doesn’t make any sense. Belief in God doesn’t bring the ability to answer all the questions or account for everything that happens under the sun. Instead, mature faith accepts that there is a great deal that cannot be explained and only in heaven will we know.”
Don’t make false assumptions about why they are hurting. Don’t make false assertions about God’s will.
III. DON’T SEEK TO BE RIGHT MORE THAN TO LOVE.
These friends become increasingly hostile toward Job. They start out to encourage him, but they begin to want to win the argument rather than to love and encourage him.
They suggested that if Job were less wicked and more righteous, none of this would have happened to him. I can hear Job responding, “Oh, I get it now. This is all my fault. For a while there I thought maybe I was running in a streak of bad luck, but now I see that I caused my loss of family, possessions and health because I am pond scum. Thanks for clearing that up for me. You are such inspiring and sensitive friends.”
That is about what Job said in sarcasm. Job 12:2-3, 13:2, 16:2-4. You get the idea that they approached Job with an agenda and they never heard his pain because they already know all the right things to share.
Have you ever craved a listening ear, but only received a lecturing mouth? Have you ever wanted to be embraced by a comforter, but instead been analyzed?
Put the shoe on the other foot. Have you sometimes found it difficult to just listen carefully, without responding or advising?
Have you ever noticed how the people who have not been through much suffering in their lives think they have all the answers to suffering?
Ed Welch, a Biblical counselor, wrote a wonderful couple of articles on “What Not to Say to Those Who are Suffering” (www.ccef.org). He speaks of people when you are hurting ask, “What is God teaching you through this?”
The problem with that question is this.
1. It tends to be condescending. If you heard this question from someone, you probably didn’t hear compassion.
2. It suggests that suffering is a solvable riddle. God has something specific in mind and we have to guess what it is. It becomes like a cosmic game of Twenty-Questions and we better get the answer right soon or the suffering continues.
3. It suggests that we have done something that has unleashed the suffering.
4. It undercuts God’s call to all suffering people, “Trust Me.”
He says it is far better to ask the question, “How can I pray for you?”
14
Do you really want to help a friend who is hurting? Winning your argument more than loving them is not the thing to do. What is the thing to do?
1. Bring hope not disappointment. Job wanted reasons to hope (6:11). He used a word picture of this need in his heart in 6:15-20. Job said his friends disappointed him like a dried up brook. He needed refreshing words of hope but what he heard was as dry as a desert. He expected refreshing water but experienced disappointment.
2. Bring comfort – not condemnation. Job longed for words that were kind but truthful, compassionate but honest. 6:14.
3. Bring encouragement – not “Holier than Thou” experiences.
If you are like Job and you have friends who have failed you when you needed them, extend grace to them. Don’t let them make you bitter. The last thing you need is to take on the burden of resentment.
Lee Stroble in his book, God’s Outrageous Claims tells the story of some parents on the East Coast who received a phone call from their son who had been fighting during the Korean War. They hadn’t heard from him in months, so they were thrilled to hear his voice. He told them he was in San Francisco on the way home. He said, “Mom, I just wanted to let you know I’m bringing a buddy home with me. He got hurt pretty bad. He only has one eye, one arm and one leg. I’d sure like for him to live with us.” His mother said, “Sure Son. He can live with us for a while.” The son replied, “Mom, you don’t understand, I want him to live with us.” She said, “We could try it for a few months.” He said, “No, Mom. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go. I want him to live with us permanently. He only has one eye, one arm and one leg. He’s messed up pretty badly.”
After talking with her husband, she said, “Now, son, we can try it for 6 months or so. You’re being emotional because you’ve been in the war. That boy will be a drag on you and constant problem for all of us. Be reasonable.”
The phone clicked dead. The next day, the parents got a telegram saying their son had committed suicide. When they received his body, they turned tear-stained eyes to look down with unspeakable horror at the body of their son…who had lost an eye, an arm and a leg in battle.
Family members and friends may fail you, but Jesus never will. Through tear-stained eyes we will see Job turned to see a Redeemer who would be a friend who would never leave or forsake him. In Job 19:25, he said, “I know that my Redeemer lives and in the end he will stand upon the earth.” Jesus wants to be your friend today and He will never leave you.
David L. McKenna, The Whisper of His Grace
Study of various commentaries.
Title from David Dykes
Dana Chau, sermon, “First Aid to the Wounded”
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