Job series #4

Following Jesus When You Suffer4:

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?

Job 6:11-30

Someone has coined an interesting new word and I thought I’d share it with you; I think it was first used on a situation comedy on television, though I’m not sure; but now it’s become something of a buzzword in our culture.  It first occurred in the Webster’s Dictionary in 2009. It’s the term frienemies.  A frienemy is a combination friend-enemy.  You can’t tell if this person is your friend or your enemy.  This is the kind of character who at least pretends to be your friend, but very often he or she causes more trouble than they’re worth. 

The frenemy is full of ambivalence. They admire and seek to be close to their 'friend', whilst simultaneously being consumed with the jealousy or animosity of an enemy. You know you have a frenemy if your stomach knots as they walk into the room. You know you are a frenemy if a red mist falls across your vision when you see your 'friend' approaching. The classic frenemy quote is Gore Vidal's 'whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies' - though he recently said he only meant the comment as a joke: that it is taken as an accurate observation underlines its truth.

Well, Job had 3 friends who came to see him when tragedy struck him and they became “frenemies”. Frenemies sounds like that old proverb, “With friends like this, who needs enemies?”

An article by Cassandra James with that title identifies 4 such “friends”.

1.      THE BACKSTABBER who will talk about people behind their backs and not in a nice way! It always makes me wonder what they are saying about me while I’m not around.

2.      THE WHINER complains about everything. Nothing is ever right in their life. Their job is awful. Their spouse is terrible. Their parents are the reason why everything has gone wrong in their life. Their boss is a loser and on and on it goes. Someone said, “You don’t mind your friends having problems as long as they occasionally get new ones.” – a statement that I don’t think goes along with true friendship by the way.

3.      THE JEALOUS JANEY always wants what everyone else has and makes them feel bad about it. They are the ones who when you get a great job, they will find something to tell you why it isn’t so great. They make you feel worse so they can feel better about what is going on in your life.

4.      LITTLE MISS OR MISTER NEEDY are always in a crisis and the only time you hear from them is when they need something.

At this point in the book of Job, Job enters a new phase which is the most trying of all. Instead of helping the words of his wife and friends cause more pain and put him under more pressure. His attitude is the same – it is equally right for God to give gifts and take them. It is equally right for God to send good or evil.

Last week, we learned some things Job’s friends did that were good and helpful that we can learn from to help our friends.

1.      Be there for them.

2.      Share compassion.

3.      Listen more than you talk.

4.      Attend to their physical needs.

5.      Pray with them.

Unfortunately, most of the book of Job – from chapter 4 to chapter 37 – we find lectures, arguments, “trash-talking” and insults given from Job’s 3 friends to Job and back again. There are many things Job’s friends say that is right, but not in the right context and they are sometimes “half-truths”. At the end of the book, the Lord tells them, (Job 42:7)  After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.

Job’s 3 friends can’t comfort Job because

1.      They don’t understand God.

2.      They don’t understand Job.

3.      They don’t understand themselves.

I’m not going to try to cover chapters 4-37 extensively. I am going to try to summarize those passages by looking at where it went wrong for these friends. What did they do wrong that we can avoid doing?

Let me introduce you to these 3 friends of Job.

1.      ELIPHAZ THE TEMANITE –Eliphaz the Eloquent. He was probably the oldest since he spoke first. He appeals to experience as his authority. He says that he knows what Job should do because he had a dream and a vision.

2.      BILDAD THE SHUHITE – Bildad the Brutal. He’s the answer man. “Just do 1, 2, 3 and you’ll be alright.” He emphasized tradition and the authority of antiquity. “Job, you should do this and that because that is what we have always done.

3.      ZOPHAR THE NAAMATHITE – Zophar the Zealous. He’s the biggest bully. He appeals to HIS wisdom for authority. “Job, this is the way it is because I say this is the way it is. Don’t ask questions! Just do what I say!”

These 3 friends speak and Job answers them in 3 cycles and each time the conversations become harsher and nastier.

Eliphaz: “You have sinned.” (4:17)

Job: “You are no help.” (6:21)

Bildad: “You are full of hot air.” (8:2)

Job: “God is my adversary.” (10:16)

Zophar: “You mock God!” (11:3)

Job: “You mock me.” (12:4)

Eliphaz: “You are a fool.” (15:2)

Job: “You are miserable comforters” (16:2)

Bildad: “You shut up!” (18:2)

Job: “You crush me.” (19:2)

Zophar: “You insult us.” (20:3)

Job: “Would you listen just once?” (21:2)

Eliphaz: “You are wicked.” (22:2-3)

Job: “I will trust God.” (23:10)

Bildad: “You are a maggot.” (25:6)

Job: “You’re a big help! (26:2)

That ends the conversation.

How did it go so wrong? How is it that 3 friends who went to such time and trouble to come to their friend when he was hurting ended up hurting him so much? What is it that we are NOT to do and say that will end up hurting and harming a friend in need rather than helping them?

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I.                   DON’T MAKE FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHY THEY ARE HURTING.

4:1-6 Eliphaz starts out diplomatically. He commends before he condemns, and yet he is a pompous windbag with a cold heart. He starts out saying that Job had helped a lot of people with good counsel. Yet, he is basically telling Job to practice what he preached…not bad advice but not well-timed.

Job discovered what many of us discover. No matter how well we are able to give advice to others or encourage them, it is different when we go through trials ourselves. Eliphaz is doing what we do when we tell people, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

Job needed compassion. Job sat there, stripped of everything, his heart torn and exposed…his words desperate…his eyes wild and probing and pleading for comfort, yet he gets none. To add a burden of guilt about being a bad example to what Job is going through is not what Job needed. What he needed was compassion. It would have been far better to hear, “My friend, you have been through a rough time.”

“Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.” (Prov. 25:20 Living Translation)

All three friends sing one song and they sing it over and over. Eliphaz and the others become the forerunner of others who stumble into this error. He played God in Job’s life.

4:7-8 Eliphaz took the very deep and complex issue of human suffering and reduced it to a neat little package: “You’re suffering because you have sinned.”

In one sense, he is right. We do live in a moral universe. The general teaching is that we reap what we sow. But in another sense, he was wrong. Eliphaz wrongly concluded that ALL suffering in our lives is a result of our sin. He tried to squeeze Job into his box by accusing him of being a secret sinner in his private life.

(Job 22:5-6)  Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless?  You demanded security from your brothers for no reason; you stripped men of their clothing, leaving them naked.

(Job 22:9-11)  And you sent widows away empty-handed and broke the strength of the fatherless.  That is why snares are all around you, why sudden peril terrifies you, why it is so dark you cannot see, and why a flood of water covers you.

There is no evidence that Job did any of those things! In fact, in Chapter 1 and 2, God says Job was a man who was blameless and upright, and a man who shunned evil. When you are trying to help a friend who is hurting, be careful you don’t make the same mistake. Don’t make false assumptions about why they are hurting.

False assumptions can get you in trouble. I heard about a carpet layer who was replacing some old carpet in a customer’s den. When he finished tacking down the new carpet he reached for cigarettes he kept in his shirt pocket, and they weren’t there. About that time, he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet about the size of a pack of cigarettes. He didn’t want to go to the trouble of taking up the entire carpet, so after looking around to see he was alone, he took his hammer and beat the object flat to hide any evidence of his mistake.

When he got to his truck, he found his pack of cigarettes on the seat. He picked them up and wondered what was on the floor that he had beat down when the homeowner ran out and said, “Hey, have you seen my television remote control? I’m sure I left it somewhere in the den.” It’s a dangerous thing to make false assumptions!

False assumptions lead to false conclusions, which lead to wrong actions. Job’s friends assumed only bad people suffer. So since Job was suffering, they concluded he was hiding some deep, dark sin. So instead of helping him, their words only added to his misery.

We often feel something needs to be said. We think some explanation needs to be given to alleviate their suffering. But we need to refrain from attempting to explain the inexplicable.

When we try to provide answers that only God Himself can give, we are playing God.

There is an old hymn with the words, “If we could see beyond today as God can see.” But we can’t. So, spur-of-the-moment, easy answers to sort out the confusion of those who are suffering only add to the wounds of the wounded. Guard against crossing the line to the point of playing God. Don’t make false assumptions about why they are suffering. Comfort the wounded. Don’t shoot them!

Only God knows the reason for someone’s suffering. He’s the only One who knows His complete purpose and plan. Wouldn’t it be wiser to just let God be God? Don’t act like you know the mind of God about the reasons for someone else’s suffering. Don’t play God. Don’t make false assumptions about why they are suffering.

In 5:8, Eliphaz plays that terrible game, “If I were you…” We do that too often. Instead of approaching a person in humility and with a teachable spirit so that we are willing to take the time to listen, we spout out trite answers.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t try to have any more children; God evidently doesn’t want you to have any.”

“If I were you, I would be thankful it was my baby who died, and not my husband.”

“If I were you, I would march right in there and tell them off!”

“If I had children…if my son didn’t want to work…if I had your job…”

I love Job’s answer in chapter 6 where he says that if they were where Job was, they would understand.

II.                 DON’T MAKE FALSE ASSERTIONS ABOUT GOD’S WILL.

Eliphaz and the others told the simple truth that the innocent do not suffer. How did he know that? He described a vision he had in the night which proved why Job was suffering…the reason was Job was guilty of sin. 4:12-17

We need to be very careful not to make ourselves God’s mouthpieces to other people. God is very capable of telling me directly. And God is very capable of telling you directly, especially if you are a Christian because you have the Spirit of God in you!

Any time you have a natural disaster you have some preacher saying it is because of the sin in that area. After Hurricane Katrina one church put on its sign, “The Big Easy is the Modern Sodom and Gomorrah.” That’s the same thing the Al-Qaeda terrorist web sites proclaimed. You may recall that after 9/11 Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell said the terrorist attacks were God’s punishment on America. They later retracted that statement. Could it have been? Maybe but I don’t know and I want to be careful about putting words or motives in God’s mouth or actions.

It sounds too much like that church in Kansas who sends people to military funerals saying the deaths of soldiers are God’s judgment on America for tolerating homosexuality.

You are on dangerous ground whenever you make sweeping statements about what is and what isn’t God’s will. If the Bible says something is God’s will, then believe it. Anything beyond that is speculation and conjecture. Eliphaz begins with condemnation. He continues by misapplying his own experience to Job, and then told Job to go appeal to God. Then he assured Job that God will intervene and Job will get better. Bildad thought he had God’s will for Job’s life figured out. Look at Job 8:3-6.

Bildad claimed to be speaking for God. He told Job the reason his children died was because they were sinners, and if Job repented maybe God would restore him. Be careful when anyone starts trying to tell you what God’s will is for your life.

Remember that wonderful little tract produced by Campus Crusade called, “The Four Spiritual Laws?” One guy said he was witnessing on the beach and asked a guy, “Have you heard of the Four Spiritual Laws?” The man said, “No. What songs do they sing?”

Perhaps you have heard of the 4 spiritual laws, but Chuck Swindoll speaks of the Four Spiritual Flaws. These are 4 faulty beliefs some people have.

1.      IF YOU’RE A CHRISTIAN, YOU’LL NEVER SUFFER. The Bible promises that you will suffer if you are a follower of Jesus.

2.      EVERY PROBLEM YOU HAVE IS ANSWERED IN THE BIBLE. Many problems are, but if your computer crashes, don’t look in your Bible. Call tech support!

3.      IF YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEMS, YOU ARE UNSPIRITUAL. That’s what Job’s friends thought about him.

4.     GOD ADMINISTERS JUSTICE IMMEDIATELY. It is true that God’s perfect justice will one day be administered against the wicked. But God doesn’t always punish in this life. (1Ti 5:24)  The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them.

Don’t swallow these 4 spiritual flaws. If you’re trying to help a friend who is hurting, avoid these big mistakes.

We have to be careful about reducing faith to formulas. The trouble is that suffering is not tidy and mathematical…neither is grace. All these 3 friends use clichés we’ve all heard of. “God is using the suffering to make you a better person.” This may be true or not, depending on whether the person draws closer to God or walks away from God in response to the suffering.

“God will fix your problem if you have more faith.” May be true or not. In Job’s situation, God didn’t fix Job’s situation because Job had great faith to endure. Sure God can heal and restore. In Job’s case, God didn’t heal and restore Job until chapter 42. But God is not obligated to heal or restore to Job his losses. God doesn’t always heal or make things better.

Instead of putting words in God’s mouth, we need to have the courage to face the unknown outcome along with the person who is suffering and hurting. Job didn’t understand, but he knew God knew and he grew to the point where that was enough. If good things happen to the wicked in this world (and they do), then there is reason to believe that bad things are going to happen to the righteous.

            And all these good and bad things are going to be doled out without any apparent pattern or reason. Job’s friends think they see a pattern, but they are just fooling themselves. You have to live with the hard reality of delay or unexplained situations.

One preschool teacher tried to teach preschoolers the name of each day of the week. Each morning she asked them what day it was. The children would guess the day. On the 4^th day of the week, she asked the usual question and after several children guessed wrong, she told them, “It’s Thursday! Thursday!” After a moment of silence, one child said in frustration, “Miss Dana, you change the answer every day!”

What Job says it simply this: “Life often doesn’t make any sense. Belief in God doesn’t bring the ability to answer all the questions or account for everything that happens under the sun. Instead, mature faith accepts that there is a great deal that cannot be explained and only in heaven will we know.”

Don’t make false assumptions about why they are hurting. Don’t make false assertions about God’s will.

III.              DON’T SEEK TO BE RIGHT MORE THAN TO LOVE.

These friends become increasingly hostile toward Job. They start out to encourage him, but they begin to want to win the argument rather than to love and encourage him.

They suggested that if Job were less wicked and more righteous, none of this would have happened to him. I can hear Job responding, “Oh, I get it now. This is all my fault. For a while there I thought maybe I was running in a streak of bad luck, but now I see that I caused my loss of family, possessions and health because I am pond scum. Thanks for clearing that up for me. You are such inspiring and sensitive friends.”

That is about what Job said in sarcasm. Job 12:2-3, 13:2, 16:2-4. You get the idea that they approached Job with an agenda and they never heard his pain because they already know all the right things to share.

Have you ever craved a listening ear, but only received a lecturing mouth? Have you ever wanted to be embraced by a comforter, but instead been analyzed?

Put the shoe on the other foot. Have you sometimes found it difficult to just listen carefully, without responding or advising?

Have you ever noticed how the people who have not been through much suffering in their lives think they have all the answers to suffering?

Ed Welch, a Biblical counselor, wrote a wonderful couple of articles on “What Not to Say to Those Who are Suffering” (www.ccef.org). He speaks of people when you are hurting ask, “What is God teaching you through this?”

The problem with that question is this.

1.      It tends to be condescending. If you heard this question from someone, you probably didn’t hear compassion.

2.      It suggests that suffering is a solvable riddle. God has something specific in mind and we have to guess what it is. It becomes like a cosmic game of Twenty-Questions and we better get the answer right soon or the suffering continues.

3.      It suggests that we have done something that has unleashed the suffering.

4.      It undercuts God’s call to all suffering people, “Trust Me.”

He says it is far better to ask the question, “How can I pray for you?”

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Do you really want to help a friend who is hurting? Winning your argument more than loving them is not the thing to do. What is the thing to do?

1.      Bring hope not disappointment. Job wanted reasons to hope (6:11). He used a word picture of this need in his heart in 6:15-20. Job said his friends disappointed him like a dried up brook. He needed refreshing words of hope but what he heard was as dry as a desert. He expected refreshing water but experienced disappointment.

2.      Bring comfort – not condemnation. Job longed for words that were kind but truthful, compassionate but honest. 6:14.

3.      Bring encouragement – not “Holier than Thou” experiences.

If you are like Job and you have friends who have failed you when you needed them, extend grace to them. Don’t let them make you bitter. The last thing you need is to take on the burden of resentment.

Lee Stroble in his book, God’s Outrageous Claims tells the story of some parents on the East Coast who received a phone call from their son who had been fighting during the Korean War. They hadn’t heard from him in months, so they were thrilled to hear his voice. He told them he was in San Francisco on the way home. He said, “Mom, I just wanted to let you know I’m bringing a buddy home with me. He got hurt pretty bad. He only has one eye, one arm and one leg. I’d sure like for him to live with us.” His mother said, “Sure Son. He can live with us for a while.” The son replied, “Mom, you don’t understand, I want him to live with us.” She said, “We could try it for a few months.” He said, “No, Mom. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go. I want him to live with us permanently. He only has one eye, one arm and one leg. He’s messed up pretty badly.”

After talking with her husband, she said, “Now, son, we can try it for 6 months or so. You’re being emotional because you’ve been in the war. That boy will be a drag on you and constant problem for all of us. Be reasonable.”

The phone clicked dead. The next day, the parents got a telegram saying their son had committed suicide. When they received his body, they turned tear-stained eyes to look down with unspeakable horror at the body of their son…who had lost an eye, an arm and a leg in battle.

Family members and friends may fail you, but Jesus never will. Through tear-stained eyes we will see Job turned to see a Redeemer who would be a friend who would never leave or forsake him. In Job 19:25, he said, “I know that my Redeemer lives and in the end he will stand upon the earth.” Jesus wants to be your friend today and He will never leave you.

David L. McKenna, The Whisper of His Grace

Study of various commentaries.

Title from David Dykes

Dana Chau, sermon, “First Aid to the Wounded”

Things You Don't Want to Hear in Surgery.

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!
- Sparky! Come back with that! Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that...uh...thingie.
- Hey, has anybody seen my Rolex?
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

Job series #3

Following Jesus When You Suffer3:

HOW TO BE A FRIEND TO THOSE WHO SUFFER

Job 2:11-13

Samuel Walter Foss had walked many miles on a hot day in New England and was weary. The shade of a tree looked inviting and so did a sign hanging from one of its limbs. The sign said, “There is a spring of good water inside the fence. Drink if you are thirsty.”

            He went in and took a drink of the cool refreshing water. Then he saw another sign on a nearby bench. The sign said, “Sit down and rest if you are tired.” While resting, Foss saw a third sign on a basket of apples that said, “If you like apples, help yourself.”

An old man came along and Foss asked him about the signs. The old man said, “Well, we had this water going to waste and we thought it would be a good thing if we could get some thirsty travelers to drink a little of it. Then this is a pleasant spot to rest in and mother reminded me of this old bench that was doing nobody any good in our attic. So I brought it down here. We have more apples than we can eat this time of year, and we thought it would be a pleasant thing to us if they could be used somehow. So we put up the signs and they seem to be doing some little good.”

Samuel Foss thanked the man and went on his way refreshed. At the end of the day, he was inspired to write a poem that contained these words, “Let me live in a house by the side of the road and be a friend to man.”

Thank God for friends! How we need them. But it is possible to be a friend that fails to help in time of need. We’ve all had one – that well-intentioned friend who means well, but is grossly misguided. I’m talking about the friend who intends to be helpful, but instead throws cold water on the flickering flame of our hope. It could be an overprotective parent, an ever-present friend, a nosy brother or sister, or a demanding boss.

They mean well, but their effect is devastating, demotivating, deflating and just plain discouraging. They are experts in every subject. Their advice is meant to help, but it never does. Intending to be the voice of God to help, they often unwittingly become the mouthpieces of Satan to hurt.

Job’s 3 friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, are examples of this type of friends who intend to help, but end up doing the wrong thing. Surprisingly, they show us both the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do to help friends in time of suffering.

Rather than try to cover all this in one message, we are going to see what they did that was right today and next week what they did that was wrong.

How can you be a friend to those who suffer?

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I.                   BE THERE FOR THEM.

I find it surprising that of all those who had known Job in his days of prosperity, only these 3 came in this time of overwhelming calamity. It is a blessing to have just one friend like this in time of need…one friend who would drop everything at a moment’s notice, travel any distance and stick by your bedside night and day for an entire week!

Apparently, Job had not just one such friend, but 3. Even in the Bible, we don’t often find people having this many close friends. The man who was paralyzed in Mark 2 had 4 such friends who loved him so much that they actually went to the trouble and the embarrassment of carrying him through a large crowd and digging through a roof in order to get him to Jesus.

In the last chapter of Romans, Paul gives a lengthy list of names of people who were more than friends – they were his true family in the Lord. However, as his troubles multiplied toward the end of his life, he found himself in a situation where he felt abandoned and betrayed by almost everyone. So 3 friends in time of suffering is a good number and 7 days is a very, very long time for concerned people to hold their tongues and refrain from speaking.

It must have been a moving scene as these 3 gracious friends of Job sat in simple and quiet dignity with their suffering brother, wordlessly expressing their sincere compassion and care. Remember that for all they did that was wrong, and there was plenty, they cared enough to come when he was hurting. The overwhelming troubles that came on Job didn’t drive them from him, but instead drove them to him.

We don’t know much about these men. Apparently, they were somewhat wealthy themselves to be able to leave and spend this time, but they did drop everything to be with Job. Adversity is one of the best tests of friendship. False friends will forsake you in times of trouble. The Germans have a proverb. “Let the guests go before the storm bursts.” One writer said, “True friends visit us in prosperity only when invited, but in adversity, they come to us without invitation.” How much like Jesus this is! He came down from Heaven because of our adversity.

They left their homes and went to their friend. They refused to do nothing. They did not simply stay home and say to themselves, “Gee, ain’t it awful what has happened to poor Job.”  There was any number of reasons why they might not have gone. They simply might have had too much to do. After all, each of them had their own families and jobs to be concerned about. Going to minister to Job required time and energy. As is often the case, Job’s crisis probably didn’t occur at a time that was convenient for his friends. It cost them money for travel, a change in their schedules, and time for the 3 to make a coordinated connection in some village. Still, they came to see Job. Your decision to visit a hurting friend may not be easy. But he or she needs someone near who cares. So, if the Spirit of God prompts you to go, you must go, even if it’s inconvenient.

There is no question about it: it costs to comfort! Sometimes we are so close to the one who is suffering that we grieve also, and we don’t believe we have the emotional energy left to bring comfort, so we don’t make the contact to comfort. Often we don’t make contact to comfort because we don’t know what to do. Never discount the MINISTRY OF PRESENCE. There is something incredibly comforting about someone just being there.

The best thing you can do is just be present with your friends during their time of suffering. You don’t have to talk to them, just be there. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a hurting friend is to show up and hug them.

Len Sweet in his book, Postmodern Pilgrims, shares a letter from a doctor that speaks of the power of being with someone in their pain. He wrote, “Today, I visited an 8-year-old girl dying of cancer. She was in almost constant pain. As I entered her room, I was overcome immediately by her suffering – so unjust, unfair, unreasonable. Even more overpowering was the presence of her grandmother lying in bed beside her with her body embracing this precious, inhuman suffering. I stood in awe, for I knew I was on holy ground. I will never forget the great, gentle arms and body of this grandmother. She never spoke while I was there. She was holding and participating in suffering that she could not relieve, and somehow her silent presence was relieving it. No words could express the magnitude of her love.”

Earnest Gordon wrote of his years as a prisoner of the Japanese during World War II. He told of getting word one day in camp that an 18-year-old young man in his company had been asking to see him. Gangrene had spread over his whole body and he was dying. He told Ernest Gordon that he was afraid. What could he say? He knew that young man didn’t have a chance. He looked at him lying there so lonely and so young. He said the only thing he could think of. “We’ll help you not to be scared. We’ll stay with you.” He contacted others in the camp and soon visitor after visitor came to stay at the young man’s bedside. He was seldom alone. One night after Gordon came again, the young man said, “You’ve no idea what a help it is to have friends. I don’t feel lonely anymore and I’m not scared.” Then he approached the subject of death again and Ernest Gordon was able to introduce the young man to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Some years ago, my brother-in-law’s mother died after a long, lingering illness. A week or so before she died, she lay in a lonely room of a nursing home, too weak to talk or watch TV or anything, just struggling to breath. One of the young men from church came to see her. She struggled out the words that she was too weak to talk. He said, “Then, I’ll just sit and rock with you. You rest and I’ll rock.” So he stayed, held her hand and sat in the rocking chair for an hour. The best therapy she could have received.

To ignore someone’s pain is to add to that pain. Instead of fearing we will say the wrong thing, we should reach out to hurting people.  Be there for them.

II.                 SHARE COMPASSION.

Verse 11 says they came to mourn with him and comfort him. The word, compassion means “To suffer with” someone. They suffered and mourned right along with Job (vs. 12). They hurt with him.

A little girl was late coming home from school. Her parents grew worried because she was late. When she did come in, they gently scolded her for being late. She said, “Susan, my best friend, found out that her dog had chewed up her favorite doll.” Her mother said, “But you couldn’t help her, so why did you stay late?” The girl said, “I couldn’t help her doll, Mommy, so I just stayed to cry with her.”

Perhaps the best thing Job’s friends did was sit in the ashes with him and to weep along with him. The Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15) Tears communicate your compassion more eloquently than words ever can. Don’t ever tell a hurting friend to stop crying. Instead, cry with them. One man writes, “We can forget those with whom we have laughed, but we can never forget those with whom we have cried.”

Some years ago, Pepper Rogers was the football coach at UCLA. He was going through a terrible season. He was upset about it

and didn’t think his wife was encouraging him enough. He said, “My dog is my best friend. I told my wife that a man needs at least 2 friends. She told me to go buy another dog!”

They mourned with Job. The word literally means, “To sway with”, like a reed swaying in the wind. We might not tear our clothes and sprinkle dust on our heads today (in fact, I highly recommend not doing that because you definitely won’t help the one suffering!) We can express compassion: a pat on the back, a warm embrace, a tender smile, a chair by the bed, and a tear in the eye can show you care.

How can you be a friend to those who are hurting? Be there for them and share compassion with them.

III.              LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK.

Vs.13 They remained silent a whole week in the presence of his great suffering. That was the best thing they could do for Job. There was an old Jewish tradition that the one coming to comfort shouldn’t speak until the one suffering does. That is a pretty good recommendation. Silence communicates great respect for the other person’s pain. Silence shows a willingness to listen and hear.

Sometimes we are silent with amazement and astonishment. Sometimes we are silent because the emotions we feel at that moment rises and chokes any words we may attempt to speak. Sometimes we are silent because we don’t know what to say on that occasion.

Why were they silent? Maybe for any or all of these reasons. They let their tears flow, their symbolic torn mantles, their

heads turned toward heaven with imploring looks, and their sighs and sobs do what words could never do.

With our 21^st century addiction to music, conversation, TV, and radio, it is hard to imagine a week of silence with Job and his friends. But there’s nothing wrong with silence. You are not going as a “fixer” or a theological expert. You are going as someone who cares. Silence can encourage a bonding of hearts with the one hurting. Many in pain have testified the more memorable visit they received was from a visitor who hugged them, sat in silence and left by simply saying, “I love you!”

Stanley Hauerwas told of a friend Bob who was trying to recover from the grief of his mother’s suicide and Stanley dreaded the visit to his home. Like so many of us, he simply didn’t know what he should say. He merely sat quietly with Bob. He didn’t try to explain the psychology of the tragedy of suicide. There were no theological speculations or debate. There was simply a person choosing to be there – acting silently as a balm of compassion to his wounded friend’s heart.

There is a time for silence, to just sit and listen and weep with those who weep. When someone in pain expresses raw emotions, we shouldn’t scold them. Friends let friends share honest feelings. When Job’s friends shared their misguided correction of Job’s situation, they didn’t have sense enough to say, “I’m sorry,” and then shut up. They went right on hurting him.

Darrell Scott said that after his daughter Rachel was murdered at Columbine, people often quoted Romans 8:28 to him. He wasn’t ready to hear it. It is sad that such a powerful verse when cited carelessly or prematurely can become a source of pain when it should offer great comfort.

It is like the minister who tried to counsel the grieving parent whose child had been killed in a senseless accident. The minister uttered the words, “God won’t put any more on you than you can handle…have faith!” And the parent then looked at him and said, “So if I were just a weaker person…then my child would be alive?”

Think of God’s truths like tools. You don’t use a hammer when you need a wrench. And you don’t use either when you need to give someone a hug, a blanket or a meal – or just weep with them.

I have learned as a pastor that there are times when the best thing is just to sit beside them and cry with them because there are NO words, there is NO counsel in that time of grief and pain that will help or that is even necessary.

In James 1:19 the Bible says we should be “slow to speak and quick to listen.” That’s why God gave you 2 ears and only one mouth. He wants us to listen twice as much as we talk.

Someone said you can keep silent and people will only suspect you’re a fool, or you can speak and remove all doubt! Every hurting person needs a friend who will listen to him or her.

How can we be friends who help in time of need? Show up and shut up. Henri Nouwen writes, “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who instead of giving much advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.” We may have some insight, but we don’t have all the answers.

Paul Welter said that often when we talk too much what we’re really communicating is “I want to talk TO you rather than talk WITH you.” If Job’s friends had only just stayed silent things would have been OK. In chapter 3 Job pours out his heart and his pain and wishes he had never been born or that he had died at birth or could die then. The moment he does that his friends lock and load, as they take turns tormenting him and arguing about why Job is suffering.

Eliphaz is insulting and arrogant, arguing that the innocent don’t suffer. Bildad is heartless, stating Job’s children died because of their sin. Zophar is angry and pontificates that Job’s suffering are because of his personal sin.

They presume to know how Job should feel. It is so easy to say, “I know just how you feel.” No you don’t. All pain is intensely personal. No one knows exactly how another person feels. It is much better to say, “I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel and how much you hurt, but I’m here and I care and I’m willing to listen.”

They presume their words will help. These friends begin to give advice rather than comfort and help. They chose clichés over closeness.

When people don’t know what to say, rather than stay silent, clichés usually come out.

“Time heals all wounds.” “Your loved one is happier in Heaven.” “Look at all you have left.” While these may be true, they are rarely comforting at that moment.

David McKenna told of a friend in college days that worked in a woodworking ship to pay her school bills. She mistakenly placed her hand on a running table saw and severed it at the wrist. After coming out of surgery, she was “comforted” by her employer with this: “Thank God it was only a hand. You might have lost an arm.”

I’m talking about miserable comforters who come around with threadbare clichés that only deepen wounds instead of healing them.

“Things could be worse.” Could they? They seem pretty bad now!

“Other people have it worse than you do!” Do they? How would you know? Anyway, should it make me feel better to know others hurt worse than I do?

“Just think of the wonderful memories you have!” Have you ever tried to live on memories? Have you ever tried to wrap your arms around a memory?

“If you do what I did, you’ll be better.” Who made you the expert?”

It is easy to pontificate when others have problems. It is easy to forget the importance of timing in our crusade for truth. It is easy to give explanations instead of encouragement.

Joe Bayly was a man who knew grief. He lost 3 children – 2 as teenagers and one as a 5 year old child. He said, “Don’t try to prove anything to a survivor. An arm about the shoulder, a firm grip of the hand, a kiss; these are the proofs that grief needs, not logical reasoning.” He tells about the time following the loss of his 3^rd child.

“I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God’s dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly. He said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he’d go away. He finally did. And then another man came and sat beside me for an hour, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, and left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go.”

How can you be a friend to someone who is hurting? Be there for them. Share compassion and listen to them.

IV.              ATTEND TO THEIR PHYSICAL NEEDS.

Sometimes people ask, “I have a friend who is going through this. I don’t know what to say.” We think we have to make sense of it. Sometimes there are no words that are adequate, but there may be something we can do.

Fix a dish or a meal. Maybe you heard about the 3 kids in school who were explaining the symbols of their religions. A Jewish boy showed the students a Star of David. The Catholic boy showed them a crucifix. A little Baptist boy showed them a casserole dish!

Take some groceries over. Fill up their refrigerator. Years ago my cousin fell of a ladder, fractured his skull and separated his shoulder. He said one of the most helpful things was a couple who brought over a bunch of lunchmeats and bread so the family could make themselves a sandwich when they were hungry. It was a very practical, tangible way of caring.

Clean the house for them. Pay their bills with your own money. Take care of their lawn. The smallest acts communicate far more than we can imagine. The Bible says in Proverbs 17:17, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Sometimes people who are grieving or suffering are so burdened they forget to take care of the simplest physical needs. They may forget to eat, sleep, or take care of their hygiene needs. I heard of one man who performed a ministry to every family in the church that experienced a death. He would take his shoeshine kit into the home and polish the shoes of the family members who would be attending the funeral. If you want to help a friend in need, attend to their physical needs.

V.                PRAY WITH THEM.

As I read the book of Job, I find that Job’s friends insinuate, theologize, give theories on why Job is suffering, warn, give advice and confront, but in over 8,000 words that they speak, there is something they never do. Never do you find these 3 friends praying for Job, praying with Job or praying about Job and that is sad.

Prayer is one of the great opportunities for the people of God to minister to other people. Pray prayers of intercession. Don’t preach a sermon in your prayers. Don’t pray long, drawn out prayers. Don’t use this kind of prayer as an opportunity to catch up on your prayer life. Just hold their hand or put your arm around their shoulder and ask God to give them strength and peace. The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous person avails much. (James 5:16)

Linda Mae Richardson wrote an article entitled, “When I was Diagnosed with Cancer”. She wrote about how 7 different friends related to her after she was diagnosed with cancer and how she felt after they left.

Friend #1 said, “I can’t believe you have cancer, I always thought you were so active and healthy.” When she left Linda wrote, “I felt alienated and somehow very ‘different.’”

As she talked about different treatment options, Friend #2 said, “Whatever you do, don’t take chemotherapy. It’s a poison!” When she left, Linda wrote, “I felt scared and confused.”

Friend #3 said, “Perhaps God is disciplining you for some sin in your life.” When she left, Linda wrote, “I felt guilty.”

Friend #4 said, “All things work together for good.” When she left, Linda wrote, “I felt angry.”

Friend #5 said, “If your faith is great enough, God will heal you.” Linda wrote, “I felt my faith must be inadequate.”

Friend #6 never came to visit her at all. Linda wrote, “I felt sad and alone.”

Friend #7 said, “I’m here. I care. I’m here to help you through this. Let me pray for you.” Linda wrote, “When she left, I felt loved!” May we all be like Friend #7?

I don’t know how it works. I just know God invites us to pray for one another. God is pleased when we pray for one another and God acts when we pray for one another. He doesn’t always answer how or in the way we desire, but He acts in response to prayer.

CONCLUSION – Every one of us need a friend or friends when we go through times of hurt. Those friends can be a blessing or they can add to the burden we bear. I’m sure everyone of us wants to be the kind of friend who helps in times of adversity rather than add to the burden. Hurting and grieving people may not always remember words spoken, but they will remember who stayed near them in the days of their suffering.

There are 2 ways we can enter into this story today. One way is through a door marked “Job”. Perhaps you identify with this story because you are experiencing pain, loss, fear or sickness so you identify somewhat with Job. If so, I want to pray with you.

The other way is through the door marked, “Job’s Friends.” Is there someone you know, either family or friends, who is hurting today and you want to be the kind of friend who ministers comfort to them? If so, I want to pray for you also. Decide to be the kind of friend who helps rather than hinders.

Gary Harner, sermon, “How to Be a Friend In a Time of Need”

David Dykes, sermon, “With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies.”

William Huegal, sermon, “How to Help People Who Are Really Suffering.”

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