Practising Forgiveness

PRACTISING FORGIVENESS

Matthew 18:21-35

A new website called ThePublicApology.com, encourages its users to make a public, and an anonymous, apology. The site says, "Everybody’s sorry about something. What do you need to apologize for?"

* Cheating on your Significant Other?
* Letting your dog poop on your neighbor’s lawn?
* Cheating on your Algebra final?
* Pouring hot sauce and vinegar on your high-and-mighty co-worker’s tuna salad?
* Spreading that terrible rumor about your classmate back in 5th grade?
* Lying your way out of serving on that fund-raising committee?
* Cutting off that other driver on the freeway?
* Voting for that politician who turned out to be such a jerk?

The site continues, "Whether your apology is motivated by a simple wish to say you’re sorry for your past misdeeds, a desire to set everything right with the friend you wronged, the requirements of a 12-step program, a recent experience that 'scared you straight,' or a long-term burden of guilt that you no longer wish to carry, you know you’ll feel better once you get it off your chest."

Is there someone you wish would apologize?

Have you been hurt and sinned against? Has a spouse hurt you? Has a parent or child deeply hurt you? Has a co-worker or neighbor said or done something against you? Has a friend rejected you or cheated you? By nature, we resent it when people sin against us. We may sulk until the person comes and apologizes. But is that the right response?

If I were to ask you to think of someone you’ve had to forgive recently or someone you need to forgive, it probably wouldn’t take very long for you to come up with a name. It’s a given that in this life, you will have many opportunities to forgive others. If you’re married, if you have a job, if you have neighbors, if you go to church, if you eat out, if you have in-laws, you have many opportunities to forgive others that will come your way.

Relational viruses attack every friendship. Tensions arise. Wrongs are done. Lies are told. Trust is broken. Forgiveness is at the heart of what it means to be in relationship with others. Ruth Graham said, “A good marriage is made of two good forgivers.” That’s not just true of marriage. It is true of any relationship.

Since we’re imperfect people, we are bound to have trouble with forgiveness. I’m convinced that relationships are built not on a standard of perfection, but on our ability to ask for forgiveness, and upon our willingness to extend forgiveness.

One of the greatest challenges to human nature is the issue of forgiveness. Those who can’t forgive themselves are filled with guilt and despair. Those who won’t forgive others are filled with anger and bitterness. The most miserable people are people who never let go of their bitterness.

In every relationship you have, you will be constantly called on to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the virtue we most enjoy and least employ.

The question is, “How do you do it? How do you forgive others as God wants you to forgive?” Because forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness is hard! Darrin Patrick said, “If you think forgiveness is not painful, you have never forgiven someone who hurt you deeply.”

 It is not easy to ask for forgiveness and it is not easy to extend forgiveness. Proverbs 18:19 says that, “An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.”

There are 2 examples we often see in this matter of forgiving others that are not right.

1.      “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget, and I’ll make certain you never forget either. I’ll remind you of what you’ve done every day for the rest of your life and when I bring it up, you better act like you still feel guilty about it or I’ll withdraw my forgiveness.” Obviously, this isn’t forgiveness at all! The principle is we are to forgive as we’ve been forgiven and that is not how God forgives us.

2.      The other extreme is those who think forgiving others gives them permission to walk all over you again and allowing yourself to be victimized. As we will see in this story, this isn’t the case.

The moment we say we should forgive someone, our mind begins to argue, “But you don’t know what he did to me. They lied about me over and over again. She intended to destroy my career – and she did. You can’t imagine the hell I’ve been

through. If you knew what this had done to my family, you would be angry too. They deserve to suffer as they’ve made me suffer. I’m going to make them pay. I will never forgive! Never!”

C.S. Lewis was correct when he said, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.”

I’m going to tell you a secret: if you live long enough you already know that nobody, I repeat, NOBODY, makes it through life free of hurt and personal injury. Either someone somewhere at some time has hurt you or they will hurt you.

This passage gives us 4 guidelines for forgiving others. When you are confronted with the need to forgive, here are 4 things to keep in mind, and let me tell you, they are tough to do.

Body

I.                   FORGET ABOUT KEEPING COUNT.

Jesus had just given a step-by-step plan for dealing with those who offend us in 18:15-17. Jesus said that we are to keep the matter private. The one offended is to take the initiative to make things right. There are 2 reasons:

1.      Often they are the only ones who can because the other person may not know they have offended you.

2.      Also, we seldom think we are wrong at first.

So we are to go with the idea of winning our brother, not winning an argument. It is possible to win the argument and lose your brother.

If approaching the person who sinned alone doesn’t work then ask for help from others.

Peter asked a question in 18:21-22. He asked it in such a way that you and I would be too ashamed to ask, but he was just blunt enough to do so. Still almost every one of us has asked this in some form in our heart. “How many times do I have to forgive this guy? I’m getting tired of it. Why does he keep hurting me like he does?”

I wonder if Peter was thinking of something his literal brother Andrew did. Maybe Andrew didn’t put the fishing nets away, or maybe he was borrowing Peter’s Bear’s jacket without asking, or maybe he borrowed some shekels for some burritos at Chipotle and never paid Peter back. (Amazingly, Peter was sure his brother would sin against him, but not he against his brother!)

Whatever the case, before Jesus could answer, Peter responded to his own question by suggesting that 7 times would be a good limit. That wasn’t a bad answer. The rabbis back then taught that you had to forgive someone 3 times and then you could

retaliate. Peter doubles that and throws in one extra. He thought he was giving Jesus a real blue light special!

To be honest, most of us get frustrated if we have to forgive someone twice. By human standards, what Peter said was admirable and extravagant. But Peter wanted a number…a limit…a place where he could finally say, “That’s it – you’re not getting away with this any longer. Our friendship is now over!”

As Jesus often does, His answer to Peter was unexpected and disarming. (vs.22) The NIV says 77 times. Some translations say 70 times 7. Jesus wasn’t giving a math lesson. He wasn’t saying to get yourself an iPhone app to keep track of the number of times you’ve forgiven someone. He wasn’t saying to keep a chart

and when you get to 78 or 491 times then you can take somebody out!

Peter wanted to say 7 strikes and you’re out. Jesus wasn’t even saying 77 or 490 strikes and you’re out. Jesus was saying, “You can’t keep a scorecard.” Forgiveness is not a matter of mathematics. Forgiveness is a matter of mercy. Forgiveness has about it a maddening quality because it is undeserved, unmerited and unfair.

There is no limit to the requirement to forgive. The numbers Jesus gave were high enough that it was unreasonable to keep track of how many times a person was forgiven.

We have all been hurt by people over and over…a parent, a mate, a school bully, an employer, a co-worker, a person who came into your life and destroyed it, a gossip. Did Jesus mean what He said? Are there any situations under which we need not forgive? Jesus seems to be saying, “No! We are always to forgive.”

Jesus said that we are to forgive others an unlimited number of times because that is how God forgives us. He forgives us, “70 times 7” – in other words, He doesn’t keep track.

Some of you are afraid that God won’t forgive you anymore because you’ve struggled with one particular sin for too long and you think He has given up on you. You think, “There is no way He’ll forgive me again. I’ve failed too many times.” But that is a lie. Come to Him in repentance and ask His forgiveness – He’ll give you all you need.

I’ve heard people say, “If you’re truly sorry for a sin, you won’t commit it anymore.” It’s not that simple. When someone says that, just ask them, “Does that mean that you no longer sin? Or

does that mean you now only commit sins that you’re not sorry about?”

Some of us struggle with besetting sins for years – and sometimes it seems like we’ll never get victory. We struggle with the same sin again and again and we repent again and again. Don’t ever believe the lie that God withholds His forgiveness. Jesus made it clear to Peter that we are to forgive others an unlimited number of times. God doesn’t expect us to do more than He’s willing to do Himself. We are to forgive an unlimited number of times because He forgives us an unlimited number of times. Forget about keeping count.

II.                 CANCEL THE DEBT.

When we forgive others, it is canceling the debt…letting them completely off the hook.

When a debt is canceled, it doesn’t just evaporate. If the bank forgives a debt you owe, it doesn’t just disappear. Someone else has to absorb the cost of that debt.

Jesus tells the parable of this man who owed his king a huge sum of money. A king in that day would have many officials who handled money on his behalf of the state. The picture is that it is now audit time and the accountant comes and points out there are irregularities in a particular department. The man owes 10,000 talents. That doesn’t mean anything to us, so let me help you. A talent was the largest measure of money in the Roman world. One talent was worth 6,000 denarii and a denarius was considered a fair wage for one day’s work. So, one talent was

about 17 years’ wages. 10,000 talents would be like owing 17 years wages for 10,000 men.

To put it in perspective, the total revenue collected by the Romans from the entire land of Palestine averaged 900 talents. If you put that in perspective with today’s wages, the debt of this servant would be over 1 ½ trillion dollars! That amount would even make Donald Trump’s hair stand on end! If he

worked the average day’s wage, he would have to work 37,415,820 years to pay it off! So for this man to say in verse 27 to give him time and he would pay it off. Get real! He couldn’t.

No way could he ever repay it and it reminds us of a debt we owe to God that we can never repay. We are like this servant. We stand before Almighty God with our sins piled up like a mountain. We come to God as debtors with empty hands and say, “I cannot pay.” God says, “I forgive all your sins. My Son has paid the debt. You are free.”

When you forgive, you are actually absorbing the cost of what has been done to you. You are saying, “I will forgive the debt of what you have done to me and I will not insist on you paying it.”

In practical terms, it means you promise not to dwell on it personally…not turning it over in your mind and becoming bitter. I won’t talk about it to others and make you pay for it that way. I won’t malign your character before others. I won’t use it against you in the future. I make a commitment to absorb the cost and not make you pay for what you have done.

Each week Kevin Tunell was required to mail a dollar to a family he’d rather forget. They sued him for $1.5 million dollars but settled for $936 to be paid a dollar at a time. The family expected the payment each Friday so Kevin Tunell wouldn’t forget what happened on the first Friday of 1982.

That was the day their daughter was killed. Kevin Tunell was convicted of manslaughter and drunken driving. He was 17 years old at the time. She was 18. He served a court sentence. He also spent 7 years campaigning against drunk driving, 6 years more than his sentence required, but he kept forgetting to send the dollar.

The weekly restitution was to last until the year 2000. In other words, for 18 years, he was to make the check out to the victim, mail it to her family and it was to be deposited in a scholarship fund.

            The girl’s family took him to court 4 times for failure to comply. After one court appearance, he spent 30 days in jail. He insisted he wasn’t defying the order, but he was haunted by the girl’s death and tormented by the reminders.

            He offered the family 2 boxes of checks covering the payments until the year 2001, one year more than required. But they refused the checks. It was not the money they were after, but penance.

I could not question that family’s anger. But is 936 payments enough? Will that family ever be able to put the matter to rest? In some ways no.

That 18 year-old girl died because someone drank too much. Perhaps a part of you has died because someone spoke too much, or demanded too much or neglected too much. And when we are hurt and wounded, we must decide: How many payments will I demand from my offender?

We may not require that our offender write checks to us, but we have other ways of settling the score.

1.      SILENCE. We just ignore them when they speak to us.

2.      DISTANCE. When they come your way, you walk the other way.

3.      NAGGING. “Oh, I see you still have fingers on your hand! It’s funny that you never use them to call me on the phone.”

Forgiveness is tearing up the I.O.U.’s. I’m not going to tell you it is easy because it is not. Forgiveness is when you release to the Lord any bitterness you might feel that you have the right to have toward someone else and you let God handle the matter in His own way. One psychologist said, “Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” Cancel the debt.

There are times when you forgive others that you simply have to cancel the debt and let them go. When someone does something wrong, they should do whatever they can to make it right. But sometimes people sin to such an extent that they can never make it right. Cancel the debt. Let them off the hook. Forgive them completely.

Forgiveness is not just an event in the past. It is an ongoing process. I forgive you today and tomorrow when I see you, I’ll continue to forgive you. You can forgive someone today and tomorrow change your mind. That is important to know because sometimes we will say, “I forgave that person last month for what they did, but I’m still struggling to like them.” It is a process of canceling the debt.

III.              KEEP THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

In the story when this humbled man walked away with this wonderful gift of forgiveness, he ran into a friend who owed him some money. It wasn’t a lot of money compared to what he had owed the king. This man owed him a hundred denarii…the equivalent of 3 months wages. Certainly no small debt, but nothing compared to the debt that he had been forgiven.

Instead of canceling his friend’s debt, verse 28 says that he grabbed him and began to choke him saying, “Pay back what you owe me!” Failure to forgive will turn you into a victimizer. When you have been sinned against, you are a victim. If you fail to forgive, you become a victimizer. Now this man is not only ungrateful but unreasonable. How can the man earn money to repay his debt while in prison? If he has no money while he’s out of jail, how is he going to make money in jail? Is he supposed to sell magazine subscriptions to the inmates? Bitterness and the refusal to forgive never make any sense.

Did he have the legal right to throw the man in prison? Yes. Did he have the moral right? No. He had been forgiven himself. Shouldn’t he forgive his fellow servant? He and his family had been spared the shame and suffering of prison. Shouldn’t he spare his friend?

When the king hears about the hatefulness of this man, he immediately has him thrown back into prison and the man is back in debt. What’s the lesson here? Is it that after you forgive someone and they do something you don’t like, you are free to torture them? No. The lesson is that along with forgiveness comes accountability.

The king didn’t cancel the servant’s debt and give him free reign to run up more debt. Neither did he give him free reign to treat his fellow servants ruthlessly. He forgave him – he canceled the debt – and also held him accountable.

In forgiving others, this is where we often drop the ball. When someone comes to you asking forgiveness, the best response is to say, “Absolutely. I will forgive you. Now, what can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”

When we forgive others, even though we completely wipe out their debt, we need to help them establish terms of accountability so they will be able to overcome their past and move on toward godliness.

A woman developed an inappropriate relationship with someone online. She confessed her sin to her husband and he forgives her, but he also holds her accountable. He frequently looks over her shoulder when she’s online.

A teenage son was caught in a lie; he said he was going one place and went another. His father forgave his son, but also began holding him accountable. He calls frequently to make sure the boy is where he said he’d be.

God forgives us absolutely and completely, yet He has made us accountable to one another for our actions. When someone comes asking forgiveness, give it to him or her. Also, give them the opportunity to establish terms of accountability so their journey to be more Christ like can be complete.

We’re talking about things we can do when we are confronted with the need to forgive. We should forget about keeping count.

We should forgive the debt. We should also keep them accountable.

IV.              CONSIDER GOD’S MERCY IN YOUR LIFE.

The king called the first servant back into his presence. This time, the king spoke with anger, calling him a wicked servant. He berated him for his unwillingness to extend mercy after he had received mercy. “So you want to live by justice? Then you shall have justice!” The king threw the man into jail promising that he would be there until he had paid back every last cent.

The picture is clear. After all God has forgiven us, we should be willing to forgive each other. Sure, sometimes what people do to us is horrible…but compared to what we have done to God, it is minor. Sure, the hurt is often deep…but compared to how we have hurt God with our sin and our indifference…that hurt is minor.

When you need to forgive someone in your life, when you are tempted to hold a grudge in your heart, remember your debt towards God is so much greater than this person’s debt toward you. And yet, God forgave you. You didn’t deserve it, but He forgave you anyway. You fail again and again in the same areas of your life, and yet He continues to forgive you again and again. There is no way you and I could ever need to forgive anyone more than God has forgiven you. When I consider God’s mercy in my life, I am compelled to show mercy to others.

Jesus’ words from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” sweep across our flimsy excuses not to forgive. “If only the people who hurt me would show some remorse, some sorrow, then maybe I would forgive them.” But

since that rarely happens, we use that as an excuse to continue our bitterness, anger and desire to get even.

If we are to follow Jesus, we must say it to people who hurt us deliberately and repeatedly. We must say it to people to intentionally attack us. We must say it to those who casually and thoughtlessly wound us. We must say it to those closest to us, to our husband or wife, to our children, to our parents, to our friends, to our neighbors, to our brothers and sisters and to our fellow Christians.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean approving of what someone else did.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending that evil never took place.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean making excuses for other people’s behavior.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean overlooking abuse.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean denying that others tried to hurt you repeatedly.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting others walk all over you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean refusing to press charges when a crime has been done.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the wrong that was done.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending you were never hurt.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you must restore the relationship to what it was before.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you must tell the person that you have forgiven them if they haven’t asked forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that all negative consequences of sin are cancelled.

Forgiveness is essentially a matter of the heart. Forgiveness is not primarily about what we do or say. Forgiveness begins in the heart and eventually works its way outward.

In its essence, forgiveness is a decision made on the inside to refuse to live in the past. It is a conscious decision to release others from their sin against you so that you can be set free.

There’s a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. You can forgive when the person has done nothing to earn forgiveness because forgiveness is like salvation – it is gift that is freely given.

When the king hears about the hatefulness of this man, he immediately has him thrown back into prison and the man is back in debt. Why does the parable end this way? Unforgiving people always end up in prison being tormented. Bitter people live in prisons of anger, guilt and depression. The difference is they live in prisons of their own making, living and dying with bitter hearts.

Refusing to forgive leaves you with the tormentors of anger, bitterness, and frustration that make you lie awake at night on your bed, stewing over every rotten thing that happens to you. The tormentors of an unforgiving heart stalk your trail ever day and night. They control your dreams, absorb your digestion, rob you of your peace of mind and good will, and take away the pleasure of your work. They ruin your religion and nullify your prayers. You can’t take a vacation without them going along.

There is no way to escape people you resent. They are with you when you are awake and invade your privacy when you sleep. They are close beside you when you eat, when you drive your car and when you are on the job. They suck every bit of joy from your life.

Mark Twain said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet gives to the heel that has crushed it.” Forgiveness is wonderful because the forgiver always has the last word. They do it and you forgive them. They do it again and you forgiven them again. They do it a third time and you forgive them a third time. They do it and do it and do it and you forgive and forgive and forgive. You always have the last word because they can’t do it more than you can forgive them.

Many will remember the names of John Erlichman and Charles Colson. They were both involved in the greatest scandal in American presidential history, the Watergate scandal that ultimately led to President Nixon’s humiliating resignation. Both men spent time in prison for the roles they played in Watergate.

Colson became a Christian through this experience, but Erlichman seethed in anger and bitterness. For over 20 years, he openly despised Chuck Colson and wrote many defamatory articles against him.

Less than a year before Erlichman died in 1999, Colson learned of his failing health. This former domestic affairs advisor, whose office was once immediately above the oval office and who had immediate access to the president anytime he wanted, was now alone in a nursing home. He was dying of renal failure, his third wife had left him and he was alienated from his children.

One day into his room walked Chuck Colson. He not only hugged John Erlichman and told him that he loved him, but he shared with him the awesome power of the love of Jesus Christ. Erlichman was shocked at the concern and forgiveness offered to him by the man he had vehemently attacked for 20 years. That one-hour meeting led to Erlichman’s beginning journey

toward God and 3 months later, he called Chuck Colson and told him the doctor said he wouldn’t live much longer. Colson was sick at the time so he sent a friend who led John Erlichman to Jesus Christ. John Erlichman of Watergate fame entered the presence of God because one Christian decided to extend the forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

Is there someone you need to forgive today? We are masters at excusing our lack of forgiveness. We are constantly looking for an excuse to harbor bitterness. There is no excuse. We are required to forgive. We are to place the matter in God’s hands. It is God’s job to determine who is sincere and who isn’t. It’s God’s job to determine who was right and who was wrong. It is God’s job to judge. Our job is to let go. Our job is to extend grace as it has been extended to us. It is our job to forgive.

God takes forgiveness very seriously. He expects us to forgive completely because that is how He forgives us. He takes forgiveness so seriously that He was willing to send His own Son into the world to die on the cross for our sins, to pay the debt for our sins – a debt we could never repay ourselves. It’s not because we are worthy. It is because He is merciful. He doesn’t keep count of our offences. He cancels the debt completely. He makes us accountable to one another so that we can become more holy, more like Him.

You may be like the man who owed a debt so great he had no hope of repayment. It is possible that today as you look at your life, you are reminded of the hurt you have inflicted. Every day you wish you could turn back the clock and make different choices. But you can’t.

Jesus has put up what is needed to pay your debt in full. Turn to Him. Confess your sin and what you have done. Ask for the mercy He offers in Christ…and you will be forgiven.

There was a time on earth

When in the book of Heaven

An old account was settled for sins yet unforgiven.

My name was written there and many sins below.

I settled with the keeper,

Settled long ago.

Bruce Goeschette, sermon, “The Man Who Didn’t Appreciate Grace”

Steve May, sermon, “Forgiving Others”

Ray Pritchart, sermon, “Forgiveness: Healing the Hurt We Never Deserved”

R.T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness